I've been spending most of my awake time thinking. I haven't had my tv or music on...just the sound of my brain grinding and clinking. I know I have some major block my psyche is trying to expel. It's hard to explain, but at certain times I reach a point where I just know something is "wrong" within me...that I have warped idea of something or just am not seeing things clearly. I don't often really know what it is..I just get this gnawing feeling and get stuck inside my own head. I also become profoundly sleepy during these times and I'm beginning to wonder if my subconscious isn't just taking over my being. It's like my own brain won't allow me to do anything else until I solve the dilemma.
I suspect the block I'm dealing with right now has to do with gender and acceptance. I learned to mistrust men on a very deep level and at a very young age and I think that has translated into rejection of my male side and mistrust of myself.
I believe we all are a balance of male and female energies. Men and women with a very high level of the opposite genders' energies within become so called homosexual. I really don't think this is a choice...just the way a person is born.
In my case, my two sides are at war. Having been taught that female is less worthy and in essence, less free while at the same time being abused by my father and other males; I think what happened is I reject my female side for being a second class citizen and I actually hate my male side because I've come to believe that male energy is just bad. Talk about self-loathing. Intellectually I understand the need for good self-esteem and I've been working on that for years!! Yet, no matter how much I go forward and make strides, something inside of me still is holding me back. What else could it be? I've ferreted out everything else...at least I think I have.
In considering the ultra strange dreams I've been having and talking with my sister about our family, I just think this is the point I am stuck at. And it makes perfect sense why I would be in "inner conflict" and that I can't move forward right now. Obviously, at least to me at this moment, I must forgive men in a very literal way. I have held animosity towards the entire gender for too long a time and my main theme is centered on discrimination towards women...hmm.
It's difficult to have all the pieces of the puzzle, yet be unable to see it all put together. Until I am able to see it though, I'm certain I will remain in lull phase. So, if you don't see me here in the stream, know I am thinking about you all, and that I am engaged in battle of the self. My neighbors are really going to wonder what the hell is going on with me running around in fatigues lobbing grenades at myself..

Many of my friends are single mothers or formerly single mothers. Many of these women have college educations. Many of them also suffer some kind of debilitating condition such as diabetes or fibromyalgia. Some of these women live on Disability or SSI and the ones who are working put forth such effort to do their jobs well and take care of their families that I wonder how long they will last. I rarely get to visit with them because they have literally no time for socializing. This includes my married friends.
At one time or another, I have heard every one of these very bright and capable women ask "what's wrong with me?" They think they are less than worthy because they can't do everything they are expected to do; they can't make ends meet or no matter what they do, they can't seem to get healthy.
Having known most of the women for longer than ten years, I know not only what they are going through, I know they are giving it 110%. Though I ask myself the same question, I know there is nothing wrong with them or myself. So why do we feel like this?
I'll tell you why....because NO ONE can do everything, you can't make ends meet working for $7.00 an hour and you can't be healthy when there is no time to eat properly, sleep enough or take care of your own needs.
Quite honestly, it's our society that's wrong, and not the women or the men for that matter. However, I am specifically speaking about womens issues right now and that's not to say men are not having just as hard a time of it. I do know that the working men I am acquainted with make more money per hour than any of the women, regardless of the kind of work they do, but they still don't make the money they should. The reason no one is being paid what they are worth is due to corporate downsizing. My sister was an editor for a computer firm; by the time she left that job some eight years later, she was doing four other jobs including hers and after the birth of her second child, her health failed completely - because NO ONE can do the work of four people much less do it while raising small children.
Why are we, as a people, so powerless to change what's going on in our lives? Why has it been like 12 years since minimum wage was raised and how many raises have senators and congressmen had in that period of time? Why do our representatives receive free health care when most citizens don't even have insurance? Why do our representatives own more than one residence and have several vehicles? Why are so many working men and women standing in line for free food? Do our representatives have to get free food in order to eat all month? On our local news this morning, the food pantry stated that the number of people asking for food has doubled in the past year. That's quite interesting, since so many corporations are posting their highest profits to date.
I'm happy that the first thing the democrats plan on doing is raising the minimum wage, but I feel it's too little too late.
If these people want to impress me, I'd like to see them live on minimum wage for a period of time. I'd like to see them try to stretch $96 in food stamps to cover an entire month of nutritional food. I'd like to see them sit in a free clinic for 6 hours to be seen by a nurse who gives them a prescription they can't afford. I'd like to see them dress their children in second hand clothing and send them off to public school where armed policemen patrol the halls.
Everyone is aware of the problems facing us and no one seems to know how to fix things. Our leaders conveniently ignore the problems of the working people and corporations are calling all the shots about the things that affect our lives. They expect the people to give more and more while they give less and less. At the very least, we need to be discussing these issues openly and LOUDLY. I think it's time Washington heard the grumblings of the people.

Boy, holidays sure do a job on me! After a wonderful day spent with my dear ones and eating all kinds of good food, I spent the entire day of Friday asleep! I could not bring myself to consciousness. Maybe I ate super turkey, dosed with more tryptophan than normal? Maybe I'm just old.
My sister came by yesterday to get me out of my apartment and into the sunshine. We went down to the Ithaca Commons and walked around. She did a little shopping; I can't even think of shopping without becoming frustrated and upset.
Having no money to shop with causes me so much anxiety...to me that is the best part of the holidays- sharing sweet gifts with the ones I love. While I do make a lot of things, I still feel slighted that I can't shop. I guess this too shall pass and I ought to be grateful that I'm still able to celebrate at all.
I actually resent that Christmas is so commercialized, yet I feel I'm missing out by not being able to shop. People have been Christmas shopping for many many years and it's part of the holiday; part I can't participate in and it burns my butt.
I'm seriously considering not paying bills so I can shop. This will of course put me in a very bad place financially, but I don't know if I can be responsible under the circumstances. What's more important, NYSEG or my daughter? No contest.
Well..I'm not going to piss and moan about it...no sense bringing everyone else down too. I would like to point out though, that 13% of our society lives in this level of poverty. 13%...and I don't care what they say about everyone working and there being no joblessness. No one can live on $6.15 an hour. Infact, my Christmas wish is that all those fatcats in DC would have to live on minimum wage just for a month to see what it's like. In the Bible it says the last will be first and the first will be last and those who have served will be served. Gee I hope that's true. I'd just love to see Dick Cheney waiting tables for a living.

While I have been fighting off this new attack my body has been waging against itself, I have not had much energy to blog. I lie on the sofa with a million ideas, but the swirling and dizziness I feel when I stand up has kept me from pounding the keys. I just hope this overwhelming need to sleep is exactly what my body needs to fix itself.
I seem to have a couple of good days where I actually can accomplish something but they are always followed by several more days of complete fatigue. Auto-immune disorders run rampant in my family and basically people who suffer from these illnesses are on their own because the medical community has very little understanding of them. What is causing our bodies to attack themselves? I have to believe it is our toxic environment, lack of nurtitional food and the fact our society believes people don't have to sleep or rest. Anyone I know who is working is pushing the envelope constantly to accomplish what must be done to live a life. All I can see is people ending up like I am, too sick to work or even live fully.
How do we put a stop to this inhuman lifestyle? How do we end corporate America's control of our lives? My grandfather and his father fought long hard battles for decent working conditions back when unions were first being formed. Because of the suffering of those people, we were given 8 hour work days, vacation and sick time, time for meals during the work day and safe conditions in the work place. In the 80's our Republican administration effectively destroyed labor unions. What I find really incredible is that most people just take whatever they are handed and never ask why. People have jobs to support their lives, yet corporate America seems to think we live to support them and that our lives are of secondary importance. I myself have experienced abuse in the work place and found the agencies designed to investigate and prevent this sort of thing are so under funded that there is nothing they can really do. I was told years ago that I could bring suit against an employer who would not keep his hands to himself but that I'd never work in the town again. Well, that's helpful! Instead, I had to find another job and there was no lack of abuse there either. When my son was rushed to the hospital with a 104 degree temperature and I told the boss I had to leave, he cursed at me and said he didn't have to put up with "my shit". That was the one and only time I asked to leave. My next job was in an office with a female boss. We got along great and worked very well together, but by the end of my time there, she and I were both expected to work nights, weekends and even time in between, though we both had small children and families to care for. Basically I feel that we have no choice but to work to support our families, yet we are told that we are not good employees because we have children. Well excuse me, women have children...that's what women do and that particular aspect of our existence is looked down upon as if we had no business whatsoever in working and having children. My question is, what the hell else are we suppose to do?? Should we stop having children? In that case, I say no more sex. If we're suppose to work like horses, forget the nookie at night. I've really had it with a society that considers my boobs the only part of me that has any value and that who I am and what I do is unacceptable or unproductive in the scheme of things. I have a right to exist...to work for a decent wage, to support and care for my family and myself. I should not have to face verbal or sexual abuse in the work place, nor should I be fired for tending to my first responsibility..the kids. We are not suppose to prevent pregnancy or terminate it, yet no one gives a damn if those same kids go hungry.
Am I angry? You bet I am. It was trying to work and support my kids that made me sick. NOBODY can handle two full time jobs and do great at both. Does this society want us to work? Or do they want a good crop of children who have been well raised? Actually...they don't care...they don't care about the people or the children...all they care about is their profit. What is my answer to this problem? Employee control and ownership of industry. (That ought to get Dick Cheney's heart pumpin)