Ok..my last post was a bummer...I hate when that happens. I guess everyone feels like the underside of a flat frog lying squashed on a manure littered road from time to time, or maybe not. The point is, I'm feeling much better now. I spent the day with my sister working on the Halloween costume from renaissance hell. Yes, the day started out pretty bad. She was crying when I called her early - and between the two of us we don't even have a buck..and the main reason she has no bucks is because in a moment of exuberant motherhood, she told her 17 year old daughter she'd make her costume this year. And yes, both of us were harboring visions of $60 worth of gorgeous fabric lying in a combobble on the floor...and yes we had chosen to sew a costume for which there was no logical reason to assume we had any of the skills required to succeed- but there we were. We laughed..quite a lot actually. We pictured Chelsea wearing a dress that had one sleeve dragging on the floor and the other pinching her arm into contortion...and with the awareness that was a very real consideration, we laughed some more...at times like that, there's nothing else you can do.
After hours of sewing and laughing, laughing and ripping out seams, sewing more and laughing, it was clear we were either going to need institutionalization, or we'd succeed in building a renaissance dress for Chelsea people didn't mistake for a space alien suit or one of those freaked out European clown type dudes...
As we neared the home stretch and set the final stitches to the last sleeve, we snipped the thread in horrified anticipation. Chelsea slipped the mounds of material over her head and shimmied it down around her body and as we pulled the zipper up and stood back to see...the thing actually fit! Not only did it fit, there were no gaping holes or dragging hemlines...not even zipper pucker! Suddenly I felt like one of three fairy god mothers in Disney's Sleeping Beauty and ran around the house like a marathoner because I can't fly like a fairy...not to mention the fact those girls accomplished their sewing with magic wands...I didn't notice one of those at JoAnn's when we were picking out the fabric...that right there should've tipped me off. You don't make princess costumes without magic..yo~ But we did and there was much rejoicing. yea.
Thank you for bearing with me during my earlier rant, and hopefully for chilling with me now, during my mellow. See...all it takes to overcome the negative forces of an evil empire is a sister that's just as crazy and misguided as yourself...who has no fear at laughing in the face of fear of itself...even when it's only a Halloween costume.

Ever wake up feeling freaked out because of the dreams you've had? I don't even remember what the dream was, but I've felt so uncomfortable since I woke up...almost a feeling of dread and fright...yuk.
Maybe I'm just tuned into my sister who is having a very rough time with depression right now. Sometimes I don't like that I can feel everyone's everything, but her tears drench my heart and I feel her pain. The only thing I can do is be here for her...listen to her, offer comfort...but most of her problems and mine too are based on the almighty dollar.
We have both worked so hard in our lives...we took different roads, but essentially have ended up in the same place.
She excelled in academics and graduated from Cornell University. She paid for it herself, through grants, loans and working. While she was working everything was great and there was always more than enough income. When she became ill after the birth of her second child and could no longer bring home the bacon, her husband became intolerable and abusive..so her marriage ended.
I did not go to college...I took low paying jobs because I wrongly believed the man in my life would be there to assist in the support of our family. Instead of taking steps to improve my own life, I worked for his...now he's gone and I'm unable to work any longer myself.

In case you are wondering, my entire family has problems with immune system disorders. In her senior year at college my sister's spleen had to be removed due to ITP. She suffers from symptoms of lupus even though the tests are inconclusive. She also has psoriatric arthritis and some other problems as well. My brother has myasthenia gravis due to lead poisoning he got on the job. And you might have already read in my blog that I had neurosurgery in 97 and two spinal surgeries since. I'm the oldest..so my siblings are actually in worse shape than I am! I attribute these problems to having grown up on the Niagara Frontier where every chemical company in the country had a plant that spewed waste into the river we swam in during our youth.

I guess the thing that bothers my sister and me the most is that we aren't stupid...we're smart, educated and I thought adaptable. I wrack my brain constantly, trying to figure out a way to support myself. I get social security..it's enough to pay my bills and put food on my table for two to three weeks..the last week of the month is a bitter pill..usually taking the form of oatmeal suppers until the food stamps come in. Not being able to eat nurtritiously or even according to taste is one of the hardest things for me to get use to. I never ever thought I would go hungry...but I do. The only good thing about it is that my kids aren't going hungry with me. I won't ask them for money...I know they'll help me if I ask, but it's so unfair. Many people would say it's their turn to take care of me, but I don't feel that way. I think it's their turn to live and have fun and they can't do that towing an old woman around. My kids do offer assistance, but I try not to let them see how bad it really is...don't they have enough to take care of?

Cripes, here I am whining again...I hate that...but sometimes the world seems to gang up on my psyche and plop it's useless heavy self squarely upon my heart...and I feel...kind of lost. I want desperately to help others, but I can hardly help myself. Where will this lead? I have visions of myself seeking out an iceberg to ride into oblivion on..like the native americans did when they were no longer contributing to the tribe. I feel like a burden..not only on others, but on myself. I sit here with this great brain..yet have no ideas on how to extricate myself from this hole. People look at my art and ask me why I'm not making tons of money...I don't know! I guess because most people can't afford to buy art anymore..and for the amount of work that goes into a piece, it's hardly worth the effort for what it brings in terms of cash. You can't charge for a piece that took 100 hours to create...even if you only charge like a dollar an hour!

I truly apologise for my complaining...it doesn't help anything I know...but I just have to get it out of me cause it feels like poison in my soul. Reading other people's blogs...where I find other's dealing with the same kind of problems..or even worse problems...gives me strength in a way. While it causes great distress in wondering where this country is headed, at least I know I am not alone and it brings me to compassion for all of us.

How is it that this country, rich and fertile as it is, has come to a place where people must work 12 hour days to pay their bills? How can there be 13% of our population living in poverty? Why are working people living in their cars? Why are the very young, the very old and the ill going hungry? How in the name of God have we fallen to these depths? This earth has enough resources to provide for all, yet many more than have, have not.
Compared to other societies, I know I'm wealthy...I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back..and food - even though it's not always something I care to eat. And truthfully, I am happy to do with less if it means more people have more. If lowering the lifestyle here can bring about economic equality for everyone, I'm for it...but that does not seem to be the case. What I see is a very small percentage of the entire population holding on to the majority of the wealth..and the attitude of some educated, "civilized" people is that it's not their problem. Well honey, it will be...when those hungry people come knocking on their doors!
I have to say, that in spite of the fact that I don't have everything I need, I'm glad I always made an extra place at my table for those in need. Sharing even a little is ever more rewarding than having it all and keeping it locked up.
Thanks for reading - and I'm sorry if I brought you down..it isn't my desire...just need to flush this sadness.

It was not yet light when my eyes popped open this morning. I fell asleep again on the sofa...so by 5 am I'd already slept 8 hours.
I'd been listening to the wind howling all night and when those first rays of light hit my yard, I was none to happy to see white flakes billowing out of the sky. My daughter is doing the dance of joy no doubt, being a skiier..but me...I'm crawling into my blanket sleeper and affixing the pillow permanently to my head until at least April. Snow....cold, wet, uncomfortable. I didn't use to feel that way...I loved burrowing in it, rolling it, throwing it and then my bones got stiff. I never believed my body would betray me this way! That should really be in the tech manual: "This unit will eventually refuse to do the things you require of it". "Sometime when you're gettin down, you won't be able to get back up".
Somewhere along the line, winter went from an exhilerating chill on my skin to a bone piercing ache in my ...body.
I'd like to go south for the cold weather, but that's only for people who have retirement accounts. Women who carry 60lb trays on their shoulders 10 hours a day to feed their children don't get retirement...they just get old.

Over two years ago I was forced to move into an apartment which was not of my choosing. While it is brand new, spacious and CHEAP, it has the overwhelming ambiance of a psych ward. There are no private entrances and the patio is totally enclosed so you can't get off of it which is very odd since it is a designated fire escape. The need for housing is completely over the edge in this part of New York. They lack 900 units right now and project to be 3000 units behind by 2009. So, the fact that I have a good solid roof over my head, that I can actually afford, should make me happy...I'm so ungrateful.
I've just never lived in a building like this before...always had my own house. I have made some really good friends here, and some of the other residents are fodder for comedy...or intense fear. But I can't get use to not having a yard...or trees, or silence. Not to mention the management is power crazed and has a 69 page rule book which includes not having a bird feeder on your patio because it might draw bears....
that's right...that's exactly what it says. I've lived in this town for over twenty years and while I've heard stories of bear sitings up in the hills in the National forest, I've never heard of one in Trumansburg raiding bird feeders. That might sound like such a silly thing, but for someone who is no longer able to come and go as they please and get around easily, these little things become the focus of the day. Making birds happy takes on an importance most people can't grasp. I myself did not understand what is involved in growing older and losing one's independence. I never imagined it would happen to me, much less happen before I even reached 50!
It's not enough to provide buildings for people..people are human beings, and human beings need homes. Four stark white walls (which in the rule book must not have anything hung on them} with one window is not a home. It has taken giant effort on my part to not allow the institutional attitude of this place to drive me to distraction. I've broken every stupid rule...and I especially love doing it during one of their snap inspections...(they gotta check those smoke alarms!!) My walls are covered with pictures and art, I have bird feeders...my patio wall is lined with planters (another no-no..they might fall off and injure children..even though this is an adult only building) and I always burn incense and candles when they come because it clearly states on the sign I had to post visibly in my kitchen that I cannot burn incense and candles...or walk away from my stove while cooking, or smoke in bed, or a myriad of other common sense regulations that I felt compelled to notate in large red letters: "TO THE TERMINALLY STUPID".
This is why I want to move.
Since I live on basic Social Security, the only way to afford a place is with a housing grant, which I have been approved for. I had a lengthy interview with Tri County housing today and was pleased that the workers' attitude turned from "not another poor slob cold" to "a real human being in need of help compassion." It helps that I have references that go back thirty years or more. I've always paid my bills...been honest and responsible and the social worker was aware enough to realize it, which put me at ease. These meetings can be more upsetting than you can imagine. If you have no money, the immediate attitude is that it's somehow your own damn fault and you're an idiot. Well, I may be an idiot, but I'm not going to get into that right now. The point is..I got the funding and she told me I could start looking for a place November 1.
Little did she know I'd already been looking...and with no good results. There were no rentals available in the Glen at all! Finally today, as my sister drove me back home and we had to come through Watkins, I stopped and picked up their local newspaper. My heart sank when I found it on the window sill of the grocery store...a one page desk top published sheet of mostly adds for pizza and wings. Running right down the center of the sheet was a line of classifieds. I started at the top as I sat back down in the front seat with my sister and read, "FOR RENT: In Watkins Glen, one bedroom house, beautiful location, lakeview, private residential street. Washer/dryer, 1/2 acre yard, garage and street parking." And....it is priced slightly below the figure I was guoted on what the grant would be! Oh My God! I couldn't believe my eyes..I read it again...Barbara whips out her handy dandy cell phone and says "call it!". And so I did. The woman was very nice, and though she couldn't show the house right then and there, she was pleased to allow us to drive by and check it out. As she's giving me directions and I'm completely confused as to where she is talking about, the name "Mud Lake Road" comes through..."Mud Lake Road!" I said, "my daughter lives on Mud Lake Road!". Can you believe this? So, we head out in that direction, find the house without a hitch..it's within walking distance of Alyssa..it's on a dead end road, it's got an all weather front porch that looks out over Seneca Lake...and the yard is perfect. There are already lilacs and roses there and I know the people won't mind at all if I garden. Guys...I'm so excited my brains are leaking!! And get this...a few weeks ago I dreamed I found an apartment. It was a small Cape cod, on a cul de sac with a fenced in yard with the fence all overgrown with bushes and trees! That's this place to a tee. Talk about having your order filled...I'm in heaven. I still have to talk to the owners...but I know they're gonna love me, I'm the perfect tenant. I even have caretaker experience..not to mention being a former home owner myself.
In the dream I also moved before Christmas..which it looks as though I will be! I'm just so excited..I can't even describe it. A home..a yard...trees and birds..it's more than I could have hoped for...and the view..why didn't I take a photo of it?? I had my camera..oh well..I will tomorrow when I go to talk to the owners...then you can see just how kind fate is being to me!

I knew when I started blogging here that it was going to initiate great change...I don't know if it's in the stream or just the time..but since I've been reading and writing and sharing and meeting all of you incredible people, changes have begun to occur, not only within me..but around me. Perhaps it's all the extra love I've found pouring out of me since being here. I have to admit..I did not have a good opinion of people in general. I love persons..but it seemed "people" were stupid...well, I've done a 180 on that opinion. There are of course some blogs that exhibit such a high level of certainty in their correctness that they can't see the forest for the trees, but what I find most is honest people searching their souls for answers...asking important questions and looking for others who might have some ideas. People who are not so arrogant as to assume their way is the only way. For some, the very tradition paths of being are useful and fulfilling; but that is not true for all and I while I appreciate their joy at having found their way, I would very much enjoy the freedom (which is guaranteed to ALL) to find my own way. Ok, how the heck did I end up talking about this? Where was I...house, stream..changes..right.
It' great..I love it. I love having my brain jolted by new ideas and points of view...I love hearing the completely different ways people see the exact same things...that's what makes the world so interesting...and it's all one mind...one heart. Just as each cell in our body is unique and specific..so are we cells in the body of "God". When I'm here with all of you, I see us in a whole new light. I see people trying to accept and understand and share...this is mighty...mighty powerful. Please don't stop...please keep being true..to yourselves..and to us. Being who we are is all we can be! And all that is needed of us to be...to share our unique insights and talents with everyone else..to be a part of a team that nurtures and cares for the human family and it's terran home.
I love you - and thanks for showing me how special people really are.
Pye

The Q had a jam-packed weekend. We refer to our family as the Q and my sister and I plan on attacking that story in a blog together.

We celebrated our mother's 80th birthday. CJ is a pip and I completely understand why I am who I am when I consider this little 112 lb. wizbang of a German-Irish woman. We used to refer to her as 98lbs of screaming steel..but she's gained a little weight since then and she's been tempered a bit as well. She complains constantly that she's in perfect health but I think she feels guilty because all of her kids have major health problems. That wasn't her fault..we grew up across the river from Love Canal...and we swam in that river every summer of our youth. Who knew? Unfortunately, those companies did, but that didn't stop them from dumping their waste into the Niagara River until a ban was legislated. My brother was living just down the road when the Love Canal story broke...which immediately brought his home value to zilch and prevented them from moving with their two children for a few years. We all moved away from that area when we grew up and so far, all of our children seem to be healthy...as healthy as anyone can be these days anyway.
Back to CJ..the paragon of strength. Mom made mistakes, just as every parent does; but I have to respect the job she did because all five of us are decent people...and that's an accomplishment! If she hadn't been there for me, constantly living up to her own high moral standards, I dare not even consider who I may have become, seeing her husband seemed hell bent on breaking every moral guideline he could find. It was confusing growing up in that situation...like God and the Devil were married and had children. In the end it was Mom's practiced and committed virtue that won out in my own heart. Mom made mistakes, but with the best intentions...Dad's mistakes were patently evil and well documented in their wrongness, yet he chose to carry on regardless. And even so...I must still acknowledge the good things he did teach me. I see the reasons for his bad behavior, which is not to excuse it, only to explain it. I am fortunate that I am made of stronger stuff and found my way out of that maze of self-gratification. I have to ask myself if I would have ever been strong enough or awake enough to see it had it not been for Mom.
She thinks she didn't do a good enough job raising us...and there have been times when each one of us five have wondered ourselves...but at this point in my life, with more than a half century packed into my brain I see that she did a damn good job...because somewhere along the line I was given the basic tools I needed to succeed...and I firmly believe that must take place within the first couple of years of childhood...that's when the basic person is shaped.
I can make the statement, "I have come through tremendous adversity". My mother would focus on the adversity, but the most important part of that statement is I have come through....I have succeeded. So far, I've made it...because that's what she taught me! And so did the paternal unit who at rare times played being dad. I suppose much of what was imparted to me through him was the example of how NOT to be...which when you think about it, is really important. Of course, there are better ways...
I think it's important to see one's life objectively. It is valuable to see what errors were made..it's necessary to see those things. However, all parents make mistakes. The most educated, intelligent, well-meaning and "normal" parents make mistakes...but very often it is those mistakes that propel a child into higher consciousness and a broader sense of being.
So I guess what it boils down to is, you do the best you can, listen to your heart, have faith in your kids and for me, faith in a higher consciousness.
Peace out,
Pye