Thank you Taylor and Secret for your warmth and hospitality. It's a nice feeling to be wanted, but not one I'm use to or have been very comfortable with for that matter; but I think I like it. Actually, I know I do, and I'd be kidding myself and everyone else to say I don't.

I started today off with yet another MRI. I've been having seizures rather frequently; not something I'd recommend to anyone. While I've had small absence seizures for years, these new ones are a bit more intense and unlike "normal" people; I don't lose consciousness. I'm all there, tucked securely in my mind, while my body gets disconnected and the two parts of myself go wildly astray from each other. It's not a pleasant sensation. They're looking for new tumor growth; but personally, I believe it's scar tissue growth. I don't know what the outcome will be. I'm scared, I'm pissed and I'm goddamn tired of all this shit. The result of it is I'm spending as much time and energy as I can muster having fun. I crank my tunes as early as I can get away with it, and I dance. I can only do that for small increments, and then I have to rest; but as soon as I get my breath back, I get up and dance some more. The hell with it! I'm going out with my dancing shoes on..while I'm dancing. I'll take my last breath in the middle of a funky move, thank you very much. No, I'm probably not dying..well, I mean critically ill dying anyway. But the way our medical system handles illness these days, they force whatever time we do have into a death walk, and I'm not playin. Every minute of my time and every ounce of my energy will NOT be spent visiting doctors any more...simple as that. But anyway..enough about the trials and tribulations of aging in America.

My son recently has taken a job in Shanghai, China. He will be working with a former college mate who has started his own animation studio there. He hopes to produce historical animations and wants Justin to assure their historical and English language accuracy. I'm not sure if this friend knows what he's getting himself into with my son...Justin believes in true history, not what we hear on FOX News. I hope his associate is prepared to present history the way it really happened, as it is found to be according to historical documents; and not the way particular history books and authors would like us to believe. If there is one way I would describe my son, politically correct isn't it. It ought to be very interesting seeing that he will be working in a Communist country!

My daughter is in the biggest pickle of her life~ simultaneously she has been offered the position of a life time, and, has met the man of her dreams. She was recently promoted to management at Olive Garden, which after only 4 years and starting as a server, is almost unheard of. The last two people promoted to management had either a college degree in business or 15 years at Olive Garden! At the same time, she and a man she has already known for 10 years and who travels in the same circle of friends; became single at the same time. They have always had a wonderful friendship and in the back of their minds, an attraction for each other; but were always involved with other people so never really acknowledged the attraction. During this man's breakup with a woman he has been with for the past 5 years, he started calling Alyssa for advice; which was not uncommon in their relationship. Somehow during this comforting, they have discovered very deep feelings for each other and have fallen head over heels in love. Neither of them are kids, she is 27 and he is 30, so they are well aware of all the implications. But I think they have realized these feelings have always been there, just waiting to be allowed to come out. What's worse, all their mutual friends have stepped forward and said, "Well, it's about time! We always felt you two should be together". The problem is, she is now suppose to move to PA, and he just got his dream job, in northern Michigan! She's absolutely beside herself about what to do...

Recently while I was having a seizure and didn't really know what the heck was going on...literally thought I might be chuckin it...the one thing that stood out quite clearly to me...burned brightly as a neon sign about life in general against all other things. Love is the most important. Nothing else matters. What's a job? What's money? What's a car? What do any of those things mean....they don't mean a thing, not in the long run. Sure, they are lots of fun in the moment, and that's fine. Life should be fun.
But when you're facing eternity baby, you're not thinking about your car, or your job..or what so and so thought about you and how you lived your life...you're thinking about the PEOPLE you LOVE. You're thinking "I want to spend one more minute with that person so I can LOVE them just a little bit more". THAT'S what you be thinking.

I told my daughter...I've taken a lot of flack through the years. The reason being is because I made all of my decisions with my heart. I always allowed my mind to have it's say; but in the end, my heart was what made the choice and many, many people told me I was wrong. I was wrong about how I raised my kids especially. I even had a school principal tell me I was a bad mother once..and was dooming my daughter to failure. It was at that point that I pulled her out of school. Did I mention Alyssa is a middle school dropout? That's right, she never went past the 9th grade. Not in public school anyway. That's not to say I didn't educate her, and she did get almost a perfect score on her GED, 5 years later. The study program she entered had to design a special program for her because what they already had was so simple for her, she did the entire workbook the first class. But anyway. Here we are some 30 years later...and suddenly people are coming up to me and saying things like, y'know Susan, you may have been right after all. Well, thanks, I appreciate that..and it's nice to be told that after being harassed for so many years. I mean, Alyssa and I did literally have to move in the night at one point because they threatened to take her away from me for neglect, because in those days, they didn't have home schooling. But I digress...none of this matters either. The only part that does is that I made all my decisions with my heart..inspite of the fact that everyone told me I was wrong. Now it turns out I was probably right. OK Fine.
The point is...the mind is only here to aid the heart. Not the other way around. Our feelings come first. We feel before we think. We feel and then we consider our feelings. We should base our thoughts on what we feel. Right now in our culture, many people have completely turned their feelings off. All their decisions are being made on thought alone. This is a disaster and you don't have to look too far to know I'm right about that. This is why we have a medical system that bears profit! Which is just outrageous. This is why "there is no room for art in our culture"...again, outrageous. This is why, when told how the people of this country "feel" about something, Dick Cheney can look into the camera and say, "so what?" Because Dick Cheney has lost the ability to feel.

In the Bible it states that in the end days the hearts of many will grow cold, and that is no doubt true if these be the end days. There are many reasons this is happening, though not the least of this being that life is painful. All one has to do is watch the news and you feel pain; at least if you are still capable of feeling, you feel pain. I don't imagine too many people who watch television feel very much any more, given the nature of the leading shows. Law & Order and the many CSI derivatives are so dehumanizing that after not watching them for several months I myself was amazed at the level of alienation it required on my own behalf to watch the show, much less enjoy it. We are so well conditioned to viewing bodies as things and nothing more, we can watch one covered in blood and think nothing of it. Turn off your television for a couple of months and then watch one of these shows and see if you don't feel differently. I guarantee you will be horrified. Whether orchestrated or not, we are being lulled into a hypnotic state of uncaring and dis-compassion, and my friends, we must stop it.
We must allow ourselves to feel the pain because only in feeling that pain are we going to be motivated to make the changes we need to make. Half of our society is now on mood altering pharmaceuticals. We're not even talking about the people who self-medicate. They aren't doing this because they are weak. They are doing this because they are afraid, and they are alone. The sooner we realize the guy or gal standing next to us is just like we are and we stop being afraid to share ourselves, the sooner this pain is going to stop and the sooner we can get to the work at hand.

We're all built just the same way; but we've all got a slightly, or even radically different point of view on our experience in this world. That's the cool part! That's what makes it interesting..and we shouldn't be threatened by that, we should be fascinated by that. And the thing is, if we don't stop being threatened pretty soon, there may not be anything left to be threatened about...

how can a human being bring another human being into any kind of bondage and feel okay about that.

Whether it is a system of rule attempting to dissolve an entire people's way of life; or a man who is part of a group of people who believe they have the religious right to rape female children; there is no sense in things that are taking place before our very eyes today. It's as if people have lost their capacity to reason at all...as if there was no modern mind and the past several thousand years had never happened. We have modern cities and technologies; yet it would seem we are nothing more than neanderthal cave dwellers dragging around our uselessly heavy brains and more viable clubs in which to beat our points of view into others who have the bad manners not to see things our way.

someone lately asked me why i haven't been around because there is so much to rant and rave about...and that is certainly the case. Truth is, everyday my sister and i are looking for a piece of land. I'm leaving...civilization that is. We are actually. Can't survive in town in an apartment. Need a place where we can grow food at least..so we're looking for a place up in the hills. Something small and basic. Anyway...that's what we're doing and why I'm not around. Not much sense in sitting here ranting about things I can't change. I see what's coming and feel the need to make some preparations. Hope I'm taking the proper steps. I know I'd rather be on the land then on cement when the shit hits the fan...which is coming hard and fast. Hope yall are doing fine. But you should get out too. The more independent you are of the system, the better off you'll be. Take care..I'll be around some.

Pye

Elliot- you stupid mother %$#*&*%$*&^%$$##?"+%$#?!)()%%#@@!()&. And further more, you
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Pyewacket

This one will probably piss some people off..

The next person I hear refer to this country as the "homeland" is going to get a great big raspberry and a card that says "Hello Nazi" from me. That's right out of the Hitler primer for crying out loud..Da Fatherland...Da muddaland..whoever heard of such language in this day and age? This is the earth, wake up and smell the oil fires burning and the flesh within them.

"Obama is such an inspirational speaker".

So was the first boy who kissed me. So was my first husband who abandoned our family. Apparently, so was George Bush. The point I'm trying to make here is that an inspirational speaker is what you need in church. A bonifide leader is what we need in Washington.

What is Obama's record? How many world leaders has he met and had the opportunity to know? To KNOW. How many papers and books has he written on his ideas and philosophies? What kind of experience does he have in solving world crises? In solving domestic economic crisis?
In going up against major corporate structures like the health monopoly?

They can say whatever they want about our woman Hillary...and boy do they. She's a corporate whore...please point out someone in DC who isn't...how the hell do you think they got to Washington in the first place? You don't get there without taking corporate money..ok? Obama has too. And by the way, if you own an SUV; stocks and bonds, buy gas for your car...you are a corporate whore too. Until we the people take the power away from the military industrial complex, we are all corporate whores. We are supporting a government that systematically harms and kills people for profit. What else do you call that.

As far as I can tell, we either need to dismantle pretty much the entire structure - I mean tear it down and start over...or...if we are going to continue using this system as it is, then Hillary is the logical choice because we need a woman...female power. No, she is not a man in a woman's suit. She is a woman walking a very thin line and no matter what she does..it's wrong. been there!!! And it's not just her politics that are wrong...it's her hair, her voice, her emotions...her walk, her hips. Oh well, I don't like Obama's voice, and McCain's chest hair makes me want to barf, I'm not voting for them. WTF? Does anyone see how ludicrous this all is? She stayed with Bill Clinton so they hate her, but they would have hated her if she'd left him..it's not Hillary ..they simply DO NOT want a woman in that office. Unless of course she has huge boobs and giggles a lot and does whatever the men around her tell her to do. I know..let's elect Brittany Spears. Ok?..because that's the difference between a woman who is trying to live her life for men and one who's trying to help the world.

As a Senator for my state of NY., Hillary was totally accessible. She was in this state...around this state...and every time you looked at the paper, she was somewhere trying to stop a closing or start a new business. If you called her office, there was action. Now I don't know what the rest of you want, but that's the kind of representative I admire...one who's working for us! I'm not saying every choice she made was the right one..but overall, I believe this woman has the wellbeing of this country in mind. And if I'm wrong..then it's all a giant lie and the only way it will ever be fixed is to burn it to the ground and start over.

So, say Obama wins. Will he inspire those that hate America to lay down their weapons? Will he inspire the oil people to stop raping the earth and turn to NEW energy methods? Will he inspire the money makers to turn away from their greed and start thinking of the big picture? Y'know..I'd love to think that was possible, but over forty five years of observation has taught me that they kill those people who inspire. So here we are with an inspirational President, who is suddenly murdered in office, (ring any familiar bells?): the country falls into chaos and what is the next step? Perhaps one the real power wranglers have been trying to figure out how to use for years; Marshall Law. Maybe that is the way we have to go...

Personally, my heart says we need WOMEN in power. You may say not just any woman...Hillary Clinton is not just any woman. Look at her record; read her book "It Takes a Village" and consider how much courage it took for her to try and go up against the pharmaceutical companies and health care insurance industry as first lady, to try and find a solution for American health care. Look at the way they ripped her apart. Why? Because she was trying to help the people? No, because she was talking about depriving them of their outrageous profits.

I have one last question, and I know this relates to a specific group in our society. Ladies; single mothers, divorcees, etc.; the last time there was a major crisis in your family, who stepped up to fix it? Most likely you did. Why? Because you are the only one there to do it. Where is the man? Like mine..he's gone. He's gone because the day to day responsibility of taking care of family and paying bills and making boring choices was too damn much for him. He was more interested in boobs, beer and basking in his own ego. I'd like to think this is a singular problem, but the fact is, most of the kids I know have been raised by their moms. Their dads at most, send a monthly check. Forgive me if this is the idea I have gotten about the committment most men are willing to give. You have no idea how much I would love to be proven wrong. I'm not waiting for a knight in shining armor. I'm not waiting for a hero. I'm not waiting. I'm working my ass off every single day, by myself and I have been for most of my life; whether I've had a partner or not. And what's worse, so have the majority of the women I know. So if you disagree with me..that's okay. That's your right and that's also your experience. This is mine, and I want a woman in that office who for once will speak for what MY life is about. Who knows exactly what the feeling is of being a mother watching a child being sent off to die. Of being a mother who knows what the feeling is not to be able to feed your child. That's what I want; and further, that's what I believe this country and this world needs.

Or are we building an indoor swimming pool in my living room?

It's not that I am depressed. Distressed...yes. A bit panicky even. I told you about my friend "Tim". So far he is doing alright. He has decided to work this problem out for himself. He's not having an easy time of it; but he is working. We have had some incredible conversations and for a child, and 19 years old is a child as far as I am concerned; this person has an awful lot of years under his belt. He has informed me that it was his choice to stop being a child at 12; that his parents had nothing to do with it. He was "bored". It was completely his choice to make the life altering decision to take drugs that could and would kill him. His parents, his school, his society had nothing to do with that. At 12 years old it was totally his responsibility that he took these steps and he is where he is.

While I admire his obstinancy to stand on his two feet - I don't buy it. I'm sorry, but what parent doesn't know for seven years that their child is on dangerous drugs? Especially when they live together. HELLO???? Is it me? I can feel the slightest nuance of mood in my daughter who lives 15 miles away. Is it a coincidence I call her when she's crying? Yet for seven years this boy says it's not his parents fault that they don't know what's going on his life. And I'm not saying it is. Fault is not the right word. There is no fault. No one is doing anything wrong. But nothing is being done right either. No one is doing wrong, they just aren't paying attention. Well I am. And he says he has to go through this alone because he's too mean. I guess I will have to be meaner. Cause I'm not leavin. I freakin have no idea what to do...but I'm not going anywhere until I know this kid is going to be alright. Right now I will keep his secret and let him proceed. But if he falters..and he can't do it, I'm prepared to go and knock on his dad's door. Maybe that's not the right thing to do, but I'd sure as hell want someone to knock on mine.

Then there is my girlfriend across the hall. A couple of days ago her mother called her saying she couldn't breathe and needed to go to hospital. GF laughed it off..this happens every couple of weeks, right? Yesterday they told friend she may have a few weeks left with her mother. A couple of hours ago she received a call saying she had better get to the hospital quickly. This girl's mother has been in and out of hospital for months..they give her antibiotics and oxygen and send her home. "Suddenly" there is a large mass growing around her windpipe....suddenly. How long is suddenly when no CAT has been done until now?

Other friend calls me crying; her 8 1/2 month pregnant daughter, who's first child my friend is already raising; decided yesterday she just had to get married TODAY and insisted her mom drop everything, including two important doctor appts., to attend her and her betrothed's joining in holy matrimony at the court house at 4:30 pm.; including the statement; "I will be very hurt if you don't come". My friend, who suffers from diabetes, heart disease, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and a literal host of other syndromes and illnesses, was beside herself. Through sobs she said, "if I go I'm going to end up in the hospital; but if I don't go, my kids will never speak to me again." My reply to that one was, "Are you sure you want them to??" Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like her life would be a lot easier without all that! Am I just lucky that my kids are more inclined to help me than demand I drop everything to run and do things for them? And I don't even want them to! I do appreciate it of course..I wouldn't have this bam shazam computer if they didn't - but I don't expect them to. I would if I were homeless or something..but I hate the idea of them having to spend their youth and resources looking after me, especially if I'm capable of doing it myself. I am blessed though..my kids are terrific! My son just finished an extended trip in Egypt; which horrified him. He can't handle sacred places being sold like cotton candy at a carnival.

So anyway...that's the condition of the seas Pye has been swimming in these past few days. Rough waters...