The noise dies down. The traffic on the highway dwindles to a car or truck every 20 minutes or so. I can hear my clock ticking, my refrigerator humming away...
I imagine that my mom is sleeping now...so is my sister, my daughter..all the people who might need me. Even my cats are snoring. My own energy levels are slowing down in anticipation of sleep now that I know everyone else is in rest mode. It seems I've been on alert for so long that it's part of the program now. But that's okay. It's what I'm use to. I like being the last one up..have a secret smoke..drink in the quiet..allow myself to think about that "him" that doesn't really exist...well, he exists alright; maybe just not in my universe.
I try not to think about him too much...for awhile..I wouldn't let myself think about him ever...and I do mean ever. I wouldn't believe in him. I wouldn't believe in anything about him. But then something happened..it wasn't the heart thing..it happened before that.
I think maybe the heart attack happened because I let myself feel how much..hmm...how big the empty place was that was suppose to be his. Or something like that..I don't know how to explain it. I have this concept of a him...a knowing. A pair of eyes that I recognise...that will recognise me when they look into my eyes. Eyes that I know so well. A soul that I know as well as I know my own.

I came to a point of having no belief in a soul mate whatsoever. I regarded it with complete and utter disdain...but then, as I said, something happened. It is far to difficult for me to talk about, it rocked my foundations. It changed my life..the entire direction of my life from this point on. It was just one little thing too. One human being in an ocean of human beings, who happened to touch me without even knowing it and yet it was so profound that I have been totally humbled and renewed by it. And I can't even thank them...what a crazy world this is. But that's okay..because I rather think it will come back to them...I don't see how something like that could not.

But..I believe in everything again...thank you very much RKC. And I will always regard you with the sweetest and most loving thoughts. You will always be an angel to me. Just by being you, you showed me the way out of a darkness I was lost in and I found myself in a new light. That's a very cool thing. I love the mysterious ways this universe works in...

Pharphuugglefluggen...

.. is what is said in the Horseshoe Nebula whenever a Schniznatz sneezes...but of course, that has nothing to do with us...for the present.

2007...what a year. Yup, I'm glad it's over. See ya year - don't let the door hit ya in the ass. Here's yer hat, what's yer hurry. It's been fun but not that much. So a fond farewell to broken computers...to heart attacks...to butter I really hate to say goodbye to butter, but if I want to say goodbye to heart attacks..I guess it's the best thing. And good bye to G Dubbs! Course, the future king or queen of America ain't lookin too strong...sigh. Let me see, which corporation shall I vote for...hmm..Halliburton? Time Warner? Disney? oh wait, Disney is Time Warner...I wonder if Time Warner is Halliburton..who the heck knows??
But it's okay...really it is. Because none of that has anything at all to do with the real reason we are all here...and that's love. So..inspite of the bitchin and moanin and complaining...it's the helping hands..the kind words, the pats on the back...all the little tiny things that don't seem like they really do much good..but they are invincible weapons. One smile can change a person's entire day...one word of encouragement can restore a person's faith when they're running on empty. No money is needed...hardly any time. You just look at someone...see the worry in their eyes, and show them your pearly whites. Most people will respond...some won't...but those who don't will be very curious why someone would offer a smile for free! It will get them thinking! So don't be afraid - join the army of kindness today. Wear a smile and even if you feel like poop yourself...you can't help but feel the smile if you're wearing it! Happiness is contagious and it's the best way to fight the war of the blue that seems so anxious to invade the lives of so many people! Times might be hard, but that's when people are at their best. We've seen it so many times before and we can do it again! If ya need one..just step right up..Pye hugs for free here..I need 'em, and I give 'em!
Happy New Year 2008 to ALL!
May the World Love Itself and Stop all the insanity~

It is so wonderful to hear from all of you again and I thank you for your messages~
Unfortunately, time does not stand still for healing or for the appreciation of good things; my mom (81 years) had to be hospitalized with pneumonia and other maladies which I cannot get a clear explanation of from the doctor in charge and seeing that virtually everyone in the fam is out of town for the holidays, I'm the only one here to take care of her.
So, I won't be doing a whole lotta bloggin right away - because Moms come first. Wish us luck though, as it seems the little lady, who we have always referred to as "98 lbs of screaming steel" has about run out of steam and I need to regain my strength NOW.
Thanks people - I remain your
Pye

So, I'm lying on my sofa...relaxing and watching CSI:Miami; just appreciating the phenomenal talent of Eric Deltoid, er, Delko...when my chest begins to hurt. It was like an aching in the center of my chest, y'know? And kind of a burning too.
Of course my first response was that I was having a bit of gastric distress, right? So I take a couple of Tums...and they do absolutely nothing at all.
So, I'm thinking...well, it's anxiety, of course...because it's 11 o'clock at night and the last thing I want to do is bother anybody! Alright, anxiety..I can fix that. I lay down flat; do some deep breathing and will my muscles to relax and unwind.
My chest hurts more.
Hmmm...well, this is not good, I think to myself...not good at all. What the hell, am I having a heart attack? Like yeah, that's really going to happen...I'm obviously just having a major anxiety attack and the more I'm thinking about it, the worse it's getting.
But the worse it's getting and I'm having trouble breathing, and maybe this isn't anxiety....
This inner argument went on for about 45 minutes to an hour...until the pain in my chest was about an "8" on the 1 to 10 scale as they always ask you in the ER. I finally decided I needed to be checked out and since I don't drive and it was too late to call anyone; I had to call the local rescue squad. A friend of mine was on that night, which made me a feel a little more at ease. I said, "Well Cindy, what do you think..am I just having a big anxiety attack?" And she said, "Well girl, maybe it is, but your blood pressure is 232 over 156, so we're taking you to the hospital!" Yup...okay.
In the ambulance they immediately hooked me up to an EKG, which spit out a totally normal reading. They gave me two baby aspirin and then a nitro glycerin. The fact that the chest pain began to subside as soon as the nitro started to dissolve should have been a good indication, but I was still convinced I was just panicking. As a matter of fact, the immediate thought in my mind when the cardiac specialist waltzed into the ER room and introduced himself was, What the heck do I need a cardiologist for? Imagine my surprise when he said, "our tests indicate you have had a myocardial infarction so we will be keeping you overnight and running more tests to find out where the blockage is in your heart".
Myocardial what? blockage in the where? That's impossible, I've been eating whole grains and vegetables my entire life! I hardly eat any red meat...I don't eat junk food...W T F??

So, there are several morals to this story...number one...BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY. If you aren't sure what the pain is...get checked out. Number two...you can be in the middle of a heart attack and have a completely normal EKG. The only way to know for certain if you have had or are having a heart attack is to have a blood test that tests for a certain protein that is released into your blood during a heart attack. Number three - you might have taken excellent care of yourself your whole life...eaten the right foods, done all the right things, and still have heart disease. The only way to know is to get your cholesterol checked. If your doctor tells you it isn't necessary, INSIST.
The reason I'm sitting here writing today, is because I called for help. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to do so. My family is very happy that I did!

In looking over my past entries, apparently my computer died last July! It's a good thing I started writing this stuff down because my memory is shot.

So, you know - the computer died, luckily I had purchased a thing to download data onto...can't remember the name of it...can't remember my way home. Course, that's partly the fault of the medication I'm on. But anyway..I was able to save my artwork and photos. What really killed me was I lost my music Over 1000 separate songs...it's been gut wrenching.

Summertime was crazy busy as usual. Everyone in NY moves at double speed trying to pack in twice as much life during our very short summer here. Every weekend there is a picnic, or a fair, or a reunion...by September all I can think of is "let there be snow" just so I can rest! This summer was no different and we spent some great days by the lakes enjoying warm breezes and the sounds of our own laughter. After being estranged from my brother and his family for five years, it is a real blessing to have this togetherness again.

I felt good enough to cook the turkey at Thanksgiving for everyone, and thought everything was copasetic...until Thursday night, the 29th of November.

I'm lounging on my sofa late in the evening, watching reruns of my new favorite show - CSI:Miami - (another blog)when my chest starts to hurt. To make a long story short, and because I want to speak about the problem of heart disease in more depth later; I had a heart attack! A month ago tomorrow as a matter of fact...it was a very scary experience, I can tell you. But I'm much better now, having had stents placed in the artery that was blocked.

I'm just happy to be here blogging again though! I must be feline in nature and I've had to have gone through more than half of the nine allotted lives by now as well... The experience freaked me out quite a bit at first, but then I realized, I'm going out dancing and singing, not sitting on me arse being afraid..so, don't look for me there.

Sure am glad to be back with y'all though!
Excelsior!
Pye